For three weeks, I disappeared off the face of DA (owing to this annoying thing called a Real Life). And for that, the Internet was a better place.

However, being downright Azn (a.k.a. cheap), I realised that every day spent NOT on DA was a waste of my subscription, the cost of which could have bought me a prostitute in a third world country. That I wouldn't have used for myself of course, since I'm totally selfless and all that jazz. Instead, I would have donated her services to my BFF because God seems to enjoy shitting all over his love life:



By the way, FACEBOOK DOES NOT LIE.
Therefore, if you are decent looking and above, and find attractive, you are in denial.


Back to Life and Other Things - the following are a couple of epiphanies I have encountered over the last month.

1. I am absolute shit with resolutions. On this year's list, there were items such as "I will stop using vulgarities" and "I will try not to lose my temper and/or choke a bitch on public transport", both of which I have broken within the first 0.00023 seconds of 2009. Also stated was "I will attempt to quit cosplay for REELZ", which has obviously gone down the drain owing to horrible people like *unlimystic, ~13-Zer0 and =ZuZuMoo for egging me on. In fact, one of my upcoming plans includes An Cafe/J-rock cosplay, and I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE BAND. This is how it happened:

*unlimystic: Dude, cosplay Bou from An Cafe with me.
Me: Who, what?
*unlimystic: [Sends picture over MSN]
My rational mind: Holy mother of unicorn vomit, what the SHIT is that?!
My penis: Anything for you, O Rapeworthy Cosplay Messiah.

So yeah, catch us at the upcoming Streetfest, in which I attempt to look like a dude who's trying to look like a chick. Right.


2. Hamsters are tasty.



3. I used to think that I totally detested children. But being a teacher has changed all that. Now I love kids, whenever I get to make them cry.
+ + =
.
.
.

(I hope my boss doesn't read this).

...Apart from being myself, I know.

I was attending a family dinner at my sister's place when we were startled by a noise from the outside that sounded like this:

"UNF UNF UNF UNNNNNNNFFFFFHHHHH ARRR AHH AHA HHHH OHAAHAHHAHA AURHGGHHHH URGHHAHAAAAA!"



Being the absolute cunt that I am, I exclaimed loudly, "HOLY SHIT, IS SOMEONE RAPING A COW OUT THERE? Either that or someone with Down's syndrome is having a craaaazy orgasm."

My 6 year old niece innocently replied, "That's our neighbour. She's a deaf-mute, and gets into fits a lot. She makes that sound every time she acts up."
.........
....
.
.
.
.




_{So I read somewhere that Jesus died for our sins, right? Well he's gonna have to die really horribly a couple more times (plus intense torture, such have being forced to watch an entire season of The Hills) to save my soul now.}




No seriously, I haven't been able to sleep properly for the past two nights because now all I can think of (other than Facebook Tetris, which is fast replacing masturbation as my new favourite hobby) is the image of some poor handicapped person stabbing me in the crotch with a harpoon while I burn in the fiery pits of hell.




PRAY FOR ME, YOU FUCKS. PRAY FOR ME!!!

Before I launch into our fridge-promoting endeavours at last Saturday's Kurobara Cosplay Event, here's my official April 1st statement:

I SAW JACKIE CHAN ON MONDAY AFTERNOON.




...Actually, I'm not kidding. Apparently Jackie Chan was in town to promote his latest movie, Shinjuku Incident. and I happened to be browsing at the mall when there was a sudden flurry of paparazzi and fans alike - before we knew it the ENTIRE FREAKING PLACE WAS SWARMING WITH PEOPLE LIKE WOAH ->

_{Yeah I'm sure if you squint really hard you might spot his nose in there somewhere.}


That being said, back to Kurobara:

A relatively small turnout, no doubt owing to the MOST IRRITATING EMCEES IN THE UNIVERSE. If by chance you fuckwits are reading this, why yes, you fail at life, please hang yourselves.



This is Marie, one of my regular photographers. I owe her BIG TIME for putting up with my whiny bitching at every single convention.



and his girlfriend cosplaying as Noriyuki Izuna and Yomi Isayama from Ga-rei.
_{No, seriously, they're both dudes.}



...Okay, so I'm a little jealous that a penis carrier is prettier than I am.


For the latter half of Kurobara, and I changed into Shinsengumi uniforms. Mainly because I gained 3kg over the past few weeks and was unable to fit into Kagura's dress without exploding it.




I think he makes a SMOKIN' Hijikata. If you agree, go it here!



THIS WASN'T A POSED SHOT. We just happened to be caught being stalkers.


There weren't many Gintama cosplayers around, but we spotted a Captain Gin!



...AND THE BEST FRICKEN 3Z GROUP EVER!

_{Psst, the Shinpachi is totally cute.}


Since there wasn't much to do in general, we headed downstairs for crepes and tea.

The usual - two for me, none for him.



You may notice that I'm such a classy eater.



This was after I made fun of his penis size.



But like any true BFF, he forgives me after I concede his balls are hairier.



Random HijiOki fanservice for , whose jacket I snitched for this.


Right next to the cosplay stage was a showcase area for refrigerators. Naturally, we took it upon ourselves to desecrateadvertise these products for free.



THIS IS WHAT SHINSENGUMI DO ON THEIR DAY OFF:




"DUDE THAT IS NOT A TIME MACHINE."



...BUT THIS ONE IS!



Sometimes, I have no idea what I'm trying to achieve in life. This is one of those times.




And to round up the day's madness, an obligatory picture that ranks in the hallmarks of WTFness:

If I keep this up, nobody is ever gonna want to be seen with me in public. _{-Oh wait.}

The past few mornings I have woken up to discover several tiny, plastic beads on my bed and pillow:


This is rather disconcerting as I have always been a violent sleeper, and this posed a choking risk. Or the potential danger of having my private parts violated. (So sue me, I wear loose pajamas.)

Anyway, being the jeniuzzz detective that I am, I proceeded to squat on my bed and examine my stuffed toys by picking them up with my thumb and forefinger, because I learnt from an anime called Death Note that it’s supposed to increase your powers of deduction by 11%.

HOLY CRAP LOOK WHAT I FOUND:


MY POOR BB!!!


I SWEAR I’M NOT A FURRY, OKAY. I mean, when I was 9 years old I had a torrid crush on Sonic the hedgehog but sjfkldsfs arghf FOR SHIT'S SAKE, WHO DIDN'T?!! YOU ALL THOUGHT HE WAS HOT, RIGHT.
..
.
.


Okay er, next topic. 4 days after I quit the previous firm, I received a few job offers, namely -
1. Public relations officer at Ministry of Defence
2. Editor of a corporate/HR magazine
3. English teacher at a private education facility

As I treasure the opportunity to be able to nurture burgeoning minds and MAKE A DIFFERENCE in society, like yanno, Oprah, I decided to FOLLOW MY HEART and become a partisan of INTEGRITY and JUSTICE-

-Or not. Actually, I just chose #3 because they offered the best pay and it was the easiest job since the English language is a personal forte. Duh.

YAH SORRY THERE ARE NO INSPIRATIONAL STORIES HERE. _{Maybe future newspaper scandals containing reports of pedophilia, but we'll just have to wait and see, eh?}

As I don't officially commence work till April 6th, I have been spending the past two weeks cleaning and organising my living space and HDD, the latter of which has yielded a variety of photographs of a very WTF nature.

For example, dated July 12, 2007:

..I have no words. Actually, I do. Somebody in that picture needs a dye job. And a straightjacket.



And March 1 2008, at 's birthday picnic, this is apparently and myself violating an innocent tree.


By now it is obvious that I ruin parties.



I also ruin other people's group cosplay pictures (September 15, 2007):

_{Yes, that's me as American McGee's Alice.}


...AND the eyesight and sanity of graduation photographers, circa March 15, 2007:



At last, further scavenging had shed valuable insight upon the MYSTERY OF THE ORANGE BB WITH A RUPTURED CROTCH - dating back to 16 Nov 07, on my 22nd birthday party:

..
.
.
Apologies to , and who gave me that sock monkey. I swear on my silicon bra inserts its crotch is still intact.

Seriously.